He was looking at the two lizards on the wall, one chasing the other, in so playful and innocent a way that made him, in a moment, forget about the physical pains that the deadly disease caused him.
After a time, they were being amorous without knowing his attentive look. He couldn’t help thinking about his past loves, about the faces, delicate as well as homely that he had met and loved.
For reasons unknown, in the rest of his life, he painfully missed his illegal daughter he had with a woman in the Eastern Forest a long time before. Her mother was a very rustic peasant with a rough figure, tawny complexion, and tough limbs. He didn’t remember her face, except for a birthmark on her left temple which, while they were furtively making love, she said was given her as a token for recognition in case they were lost. Though very much troubled, he forced a smile in response to her honestly enthusiastic statement.
He could never be fond of that woman. An illiterate peasant, she always smelled, the ill smell of onion, garlic, asparagus and other bad smells. Her speech was curt, much more her conversation.
Such a low-ranking creature could never reach such an intellect as him. Amid such a thick forest with entangling foliage, only those monkeys and that simpleton could be found; the latter meeting his sexual desires, those of a man in his vital puberty. He was not in love, but wanted her like fish want water, plants want rain, a cock wants a hen. That was it!
The news of her being pregnant came to him as the worst curse of all in his life. Sooner or later the organization would notice it, would exercise discipline over him, which would take him to the battle field, quite unsuitable for such an educated man like him. He was a godsend of the Revolution to be taken good care of. Was it likely that he would be dead due to this silly accident?
No, absolutely no.
He had to get rid of it, never permitting it to ruin his life.
He discussed it with the organization’s secretary to dismiss the woman indicating that the organization needed to reduce the staff for the sake of prompt movement in case of danger, only professionals were to be retained, part of the organization could be integrated to another unit. The secretary was quite in agreement with him and raised it up in a meeting which lasted a whole afternoon but got nowhere; many members refuted the argument.
Many members of the unit liked the cook, she was capable, devoted and true to everyone. The unit would be faced with difficulties without her. Who would take care of all these necessities of life and sicknesses.
They filed a petition to keep her and he promised to take it in consideration. It took him two whole nights being with her beside a dried stream. He encouraged her to go home for the child to be born and wait for him.
Her silent sobs on his shoulder did not at all move him. He only wanted her to leave the place as soon as possible.
Believing in him, she couldn’t but leave him and the unit to go back to her family. A heavy burden seemed to be dropped. Thanks to God! Without his strong resolution and wise consideration, his future would in an instant be darkened as it should be in a month-end night.
The war was over. He flew higher and higher like a kite, moving from the position of manager of a printing unit – in the woods – to a high post in the press and radio broadcasting company.
His image was in the newspaper every day.
His articles were always on the first page.
Readers appreciated these humane articles on many current social problems. His chair became as solid as marble, not to be moved by any strength.
When the guard showed a little girl into his room, he soon, after an instant, recognize the retributive calamity which was coming to ask him for what he owed them.
“Excuse me, Sir… You are Uncle Ba Khanh? I am…”
“No. I am not a certain Ba Khanh. He’s not here”, he said in a cold voice.
“How come you look like the man in the picture in the newspaper”
“Many people look alike. Don’t you think so?” he said with a stale grin.
“My name is Thương, my Mom is Nhớ in…”
“How silly you are! How can I know such names? Please get out of my office. I have a meeting to go to”. He then stepped out, calling “Lộ, show her to the gate, I’m going to a meeting now”.
He hurriedly proceeded for the waiting shiny “Mercedes”. He said to the guard before getting in the car. “Be sure to come to my place to feed the dog. My wife is back to her hometown”.
Haggardly the girl went to the gate, her tears wetting her pale cheeks.
While in position, he busied himself with thousands of things to deal with, how to behave towards the others inside and outside the company, to win superiors’ hearts, to solve a miscellany of affairs to earn some extra money. Oh, my God! The chieftain in the underworld that he had helped to get out of prison was now arrested again. What a blessing that he didn’t say anything about it in his statement.
Otherwise, his achievements would have gone to pieces. He was really lucky to be an upstart on his mandarindom way. God blessed him.
But hardly had he “landed safely” when he was infected with an incurable disease. Was it likely that God punished him? If that was the case, then He should allow him to die a prompt death, He should not torture him so wickedly every hour, every day, he himself had to wait for death in a deserted room frozen with four white-painted walls.
Unable to eat, unable to sleep, he suffered from the painful operation, his body seemed to be torn apart, thrashed soundly. He tried in vain to reach for the sleeping pills on a chair. He then weakly uttered, “Oh, dear…dear…”
His wife had gone shopping without telling him about it. Actually, she was fed up with looking after him for a rather long time.
For many a time he noticed her cold face which told him that she still nurtured a great hatred toward him, but how could he tell her to forgive him his mistakes so that he could be serene to close his eyes.
He also wanted to see Thương, to tell her that he admitted all his mistakes so that they both stayed close together for a few days. Only the peasant’s innocent, artless teenaged child could forgive him. He strongly believed that she would forget all about by-gones and take good care of him as fondly as her mother had done, feeding him with every spoonful of soup deep in the woods when he suffered from malaria.
“Thương! Thương! My daughter, where are you now?”
He was too racked by sobs with his bitter throat. He tried to let out loud sobs to release his sufferings but they couldn’t get out, they smoldered inwardly, holding up his throat. He held his chest squirming, blood seemed to stop running, and he felt cold from his feet to his knees he finally fainted with weaker and weaker breaths…
… There, the flames! They gradually spread to his clothes pyre. He began to feel hot, real hot.
His whole body cowered owing to all his sinews, ligaments, nerves, arteries, veins… catching fire. In spite of all his extreme pains, he tried to look at his friends, relatives, and family members to see if they were mourning for him.
…There, his once very close friends were there, but with no feeling, no sympathy. His “juniors’ gang” who used to be with him in his affairs, his all night pleasures, were pointing at the flames, noisily talking and laughing as they had done at the unity meetings: Women who used to be his love-mates sharing with him great times of sexual pleasure were now talking about fashions. His poor wife! With her woeful countenance in the mourning outfit, with her tired eyes due to sleepless nights, she was holding his picture, at times wiping her tears. Then he saw his daughter, so thin, standing behind bright red cloth heaps. Her pale cheeks were wet with dropping tears. She furtively looked at his picture then sobbed silently. It must be Thương, my poor daughter! Oh, Thương, You and your Mom forgive me. Oh, my dear, forgive me! My relatives and friends, please don’t despise me any more!
In a few minutes, I’ll be a handful of ashes, only a handful of ashes blown in the wind to the river, out to the sea. I will disappear from this earth. Please, be generous enough to forgive me all my sins so that I could be relieved of my feelings.
- Kim Quyên