Some time ago, my family built a large deck and pool. The pool was set in a private area and had views of the lake and mountains beyond. We had no idea that this pool adversely affected anyone, or that our next-door neighbors loathed this new pool and the resulting activity it brought to our yard. It was not apparent to us until much later that our neighbors felt that their peace and harmony - indeed, their entire quality of life - had been compromised.
We were totally taken aback one day when a huge plywood wall appeared between our homes. The wall was more than 8 feet high and 150 feet long - and strategically placed to block our views of the lake and mountains. All we could see was plywood.
Both my husband and I are negotiators at heart, and it had never occurred to us that we couldn’t work things out with people. We called the neighbors and said, “It appears you must be very angry to have built such a wall, so let’s try to work this out. Why don’t you come over and we’ll come up with a solution? We really want you to know that when we built the pool, we had no intention to purposely hurt you. We didn’t discuss it with you because we didn’t think it would interfere with you in any way.”
My neighbor’s answer still rings in my ears. “Who cares what you think? You ruined things for us, and we don’t want to talk to you.”
I got off the phone, visibly shaken. “I don’t understand this. Why won’t they work with us?” I asked my husband.
His reply was simple, “They’re angry. They don’t want to work things out; they want revenge. It happens all the time. Solving the problem isn’t the only issue anymore. They want to hurt us the way they perceived we hurt them.”
After a few more tries, it was clear that negotiation was no longer a possibility, so we considered all the alternatives that people usually consider when they’re angry. We thought about all the awful things we could do to get even with them.
It was my fifteen-year-old son who brought us up short, although I like to think we would have come to our senses very soon anyway. “You know,” he said, “if we try to get revenge, we are just going to live in the middle of a war. We will do things to them from now on, and they will do things to us. None of us will ever have any peace.”
“You’re right, of course,” I said, and felt myself pulled back to what I hope is my true self. “Let’s think about this in a different way.”
Our neighbors had made their decision, and now it was time for us to make our own.
So we considered the wall from different perspectives. True, it did block our view, but the most upsetting thing about it was the feelings it invoked. Every time we looked at it, we felt a sense of loss and frustration and that uncomfortable feeling that comes of knowing someone really dislikes you. The wall stretched all the way across the property outside our living-room window. Before its existence, we would sit and drink coffee in the morning and look at the views, feeling at peace with the world. Now when we looked out, we felt a bleak chill. One day, as we looked at the wall and considered our possibilities, my husband said, “You know, if we were creative, we could use that wall as a backdrop to create a pocket garden. It could be beautiful. Maybe something good could come of this.”
We didn’t realize how good. We began work to transform the wall. My husband and our sons built a lattice structure to provide a place where plants could grow and eventually hide the plywood. I watched as they worked together, whistling, talking, helping each other. Friends began to get into the spirit of this wall as well. They knew the story and rallied ‘round to help. Soon we had a community of people cooperating to transform something ugly into something beautiful. Ideas, time, flowers and plants were all contributed. Many of our friends were artists. Some brought over original artwork, birdhouses, butterfly houses and birdbaths. Together, we all selected vines that would cover the lattice.
By the end of the summer, the wall - and all the anger and negativity it had represented for us - was giving way to the new garden, which was becoming a symbol of love, friendship and coming together through peaceful actions.
Living with my beautiful little garden provides special moments of pleasure and insight, the most important of which is that I can choose my attitudes, and by doing so, gain great power to live a peaceful life. I try to remember that what is important is to turn away from anger and reach out and pull in the peace and goodwill that abounds in the world.
- Ellie Porte